"I hate you," the three words bounced from my pale lips to the green grass I'm standing on, and it sounded cold, the words almost frozen.
"I hate you," I try again, this time I could feel the ice-cold sentences melt into snow, and I throw the harsh words at you. Maybe if you're here I'd actually throw the cold snow at you, and your body would slam against the tree, much like the round snowball plowing against my heart. Because this is how I feel right now. Yes, it's harsh, but what you did? It's unforgivable. It's a selfish act that I did not expect from you, and I detest you for it.
Tiny particles of dusts danced near my eyes, glimmering like silver sparkles in the sun, maybe celebrating the beginning of summer. I could have swear I saw an angel with hair the color of gold-flake, but surely, that couldn't be you, because you're doomed. You created this mess, and there is no way you could get out from the red predicament you literally threw yourself in.
What did you expect? You threw yourself off a building, and that is all there is to it.
--
Time has passed for me. The ticking of the clock, the impending stroke of midnight signifies the start of a new day, slowly bringing me to a hot afternoon in the middle of summer. Time poses no hope for me; the old sepia photograph of you isn't pulling me away from the lonely reverie that I am trapped inside, like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
Long ago women have been waiting for their husbands at the pier, desperately hoping to glimpse the white little ship far in the distance, almost near the horizon. They wait. They hope. They pray for their safety.
The ship waiting to take us to a whole different world has long pass by. In some ways, I am relieved. Sounds insane, I know. But news of your passing has brought me some sort of comfort, because you wouldn't take me down with you. You're not here anymore, so how would that happen?
--
I sit alone. I eat alone. I sleep alone. Outside this blackness shell of mine, which you help created, people have come bearing words of wisdom, tiny amounts of help etched in their kind heart of theirs, but they do not understand that I do not want to mourn. They can't see the pure hatred that your dark soul cast upon me.
Maybe I ought to say something. Or do something. The cranberry color of wine I'm holding in my fragile hands could help me fake my happiness, or even better, they could make the tears that I have long been seeking to flow endlessly.
"Irina, maybe it's time you forgive him," your brother once said, and I pretend not to hear him. Forgive. The word sounds so distant to me, and yet, a small part of me is begging for the beautiful expression to embrace this lonely heart of mine, and maybe, just maybe, to really forgive.
--
Time heals all wounds, they say.
Ironically enough, they do. The crimson color hair of mine, once a bright color of blood, is slowly fading away. Maybe it has gone in a haze, seeping slowly into the air of misery around me, but when I look in the mirror, I see the person that isn't me. The red color that was once my identity, where I used to decorate with old lace, it's no longer here. It's gone. It has faded into the ether, along with you.
--
"I miss you," I say to the tree that used to be a witness of who we once were. I don't know what made me say that, what made the hostility gripping me plummet like icicles, but today I am not the same person hating every memory of you. Today, I miss you.
I look up at the sky. Summer is almost over, and tomorrow is going to be a new day. But will I be a new person? Or will the old me will finally emerge from this forlorn shadow that has been hiding it?
"He misses you too, you know."
And then it happened. As I turn around to cast the voice it belonged to a deathly stare that I was once notorious for, the darkness shell enclosing me this whole summer began to break little by little. He looks so similar to you, Adam. Danny looks so much like you.
And I run towards him.
I began punching him at first. I was mad, can't you understand? You promised to love me, you promised never to leave me, but you have gone to a place where I cannot follow, and I was furious. I throw him a punch, I slap his face, imagining it was your face, and Danny just stood there, taking in every beating my limbs could think of.
Then I grab him. I grab his shoulders, and that was when the tears my mind has been yearning for cascade like the rain from the torn sky. And it wouldn't stop. I put my hands around his shoulders, around Danny's shoulders and we both started to cry, our weeping breaking the silence enveloping the serene atmosphere. We stood there for the longest time, just holding each other, crying to each other.
"Why did he do it, Danny? Why?" I scream. My heart is aching to know why you killed yourself, why have you left me, when you have already tattooed the words in my heart, 'I'll stay with you for all eternity'. I laughed at how cheesy it was when you uttered those words to me, but now, it's all that is left of you.
"I don't know, Irina. I don't know," his voice dripping with confusion, with misery, with sadness.
And we stood there clinging to each other, never finding out why you did it.
--
It is raining. The heavenly water cascading from the tattered sky as I stand in the middle of the green field, drowning my broken heart, washing away the venom in me. Dark clouds are slowly emerging giving atmosphere to a beautiful day, this beautiful disaster.
I could feel a smile forming on my face, as I sit down watching the last day of summer. It may be a little too late for a smile, or a laugh that was supposed to decorate my summer.
It's all right though, because this place will no longer be my prison where I sit everyday mourning for you, longing for your sweet touch. I'm alive, that's what matters, and soon, I will be free.
j'ai fini
