Birthdays

A friend bailed on our plan to dine out on my birthday tomorrow, even though she was the who suggested it. Sigh, woe is me.

So instead, I'm just gonna spend the anniversary of my being born into this world by listening to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake Suite, Op. 20A on repeat. Can't think of anything better to do.

Re : Stacks

"I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again."
— Charles Bukowski

"I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."
— Oscar Wilde

I'm not one for being mushy and sentimental and stuff (one of the reasons why I deleted my old entries, I felt it was a bit too personal) but allow me the rare occasions where I can relapse into my old self, yeah? I also hate the thought of people being able to read me like an open book, you know because I think once you're with someone, you're not the "mysterious" girl anymore, which is also why I think I'm still unlucky in the dating department...but let's not delve deeper into that.

So I'm on tumblr too if anyone cares to look me up on that site. I'm also on twitter, but let's save that for another day shall we?

1. Photo by breathoflife 2. Photo/scan by unknown.

Creature fear

1. Had a pretty much sleepless slumber last night. Before I go to bed, I always make it a habit of washing my feet (a Malay custom, sort of to ward off bad dreams), but I didn't last night because the water was too cold. I also watched the sequel to Rec last night which was awesome by the way. Don't get why it received sub par ratings on imdb, as there were a lot of unforeseen twists in the movie. Anyways, back to the point, I kept waking up in the middle of the night a couple of times, and whenever I closed back my eyes it was only to be sent back into a jumbled up nightmare consisting of scenes from Rec and Rec 2. Gotta love my subconscious mind for that.

2. Almost nearing the end of spring break. Of course I spend it being cooped up in my room. The whole week I only went out was only just now, to take out the trash and run some errands. I watched a lot of movies, played countless games of Zuma (which I find sort of therapeutic for the time being, don't judge) and (still) reading A Clash of of Kings. My favorite characters are Tyrion Lannister so far, and Renly Baratheon because he's so handsome, albeit being a bit too full of himself at times.

3. Speaking of A Game of Thrones, whenever I watch the HBO adaptation on my small screen, I always find myself thinking, "Please don't have sex, please don't have sex." But who am I kidding? It's HBO, so it's sort of inevitable for them to have raunchy sex scenes in their shows. (True Blood, hello?)

4. Next week it's back to school for me, which I'm not particularly looking forward to.I've stopped looking forward to my birthdays seven years ago, so the only thing I look forward to is going back home, but it's still months away. So for the time being, I guess all I have going for me are good movies and a chance of encounter with Kiki, a neighborhood stray cat which my sister and I are really fond of. Also the rare getaways to Alexandria or Cairo.

Lately #2

1. Watched Trollhunter a couple of days ago. It's a "mockumentary" Norwegian movie, about a group of students investigating a mysterious bear killings, but in the end captured more than they bargained for. Being a mockumentary I expected the camera work to be a bit shaky, but surprisingly it wasn't. Nothing much to say about this movie except I thought it was really clever and well done, with its unique storyline (come on, how many movies out there are about hunting down trolls?) although it did received mixed reviews. I have to say though, I never knew how big and enormous trolls really are until I saw this movie. (Theoratically speaking of course, there's no such things as trolls. Mermaids on the other hand, is something the little kid inside of me wants to believe exist)

2. Another Earth is a stunning film, all the way from its acting down to the soundtrack and engaging storyline that really absorbed me right from the moment I hit the button play. From imdb, this film tells the story of an ambitious young student and an accomplished composer crosses paths in a tragic accident on the night of the discovery of a duplicate planet in the solar system. Britt Marling's character truly embodies a young woman feeling detached from society, and about ten to fifteen minutes into the story I was already intrigued by the haunting vibe it gave off. Not in a scary sense, but sort of melancholic. The soundtrack of this film really compliments the storyline, and when weaved together all of it it's a lovely little gem of a movie, and thought provoking too.

3. Not pictured here, but I also (finally) watched REC. I've been putting it off actually, seeing as I already saw the American remake, Quarantine. But a friend recommended I watch it, so I did, and let me say the remake has nothing on it. (I mean duh, obviously) It truly surpasses the remake, about ten times better (of course, being the original) and I wasn't disappointed. Suspenseful, and scary (at times) I really enjoyed it.

1. A poster of the movie Trollhunter 2. A still from Another Earth.

Before

Of when I dabbled a bit in writing, which was a couple of years back. No title, because the one I came up with comes off as slightly cheesy.

"I hate you," the three words bounced from my pale lips to the green grass I'm standing on, and it sounded cold, the words almost frozen.

"I hate you," I try again, this time I could feel the ice-cold sentences melt into snow, and I throw the harsh words at you. Maybe if you're here I'd actually throw the cold snow at you, and your body would slam against the tree, much like the round snowball plowing against my heart. Because this is how I feel right now. Yes, it's harsh, but what you did? It's unforgivable. It's a selfish act that I did not expect from you, and I detest you for it.

Tiny particles of dusts danced near my eyes, glimmering like silver sparkles in the sun, maybe celebrating the beginning of summer. I could have swear I saw an angel with hair the color of gold-flake, but surely, that couldn't be you, because you're doomed. You created this mess, and there is no way you could get out from the red predicament you literally threw yourself in.

What did you expect? You threw yourself off a building, and that is all there is to it.

--

Time has passed for me. The ticking of the clock, the impending stroke of midnight signifies the start of a new day, slowly bringing me to a hot afternoon in the middle of summer. Time poses no hope for me; the old sepia photograph of you isn't pulling me away from the lonely reverie that I am trapped inside, like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

Long ago women have been waiting for their husbands at the pier, desperately hoping to glimpse the white little ship far in the distance, almost near the horizon. They wait. They hope. They pray for their safety.

The ship waiting to take us to a whole different world has long pass by. In some ways, I am relieved. Sounds insane, I know. But news of your passing has brought me some sort of comfort, because you wouldn't take me down with you. You're not here anymore, so how would that happen?

--

I sit alone. I eat alone. I sleep alone. Outside this blackness shell of mine, which you help created, people have come bearing words of wisdom, tiny amounts of help etched in their kind heart of theirs, but they do not understand that I do not want to mourn. They can't see the pure hatred that your dark soul cast upon me.

Maybe I ought to say something. Or do something. The cranberry color of wine I'm holding in my fragile hands could help me fake my happiness, or even better, they could make the tears that I have long been seeking to flow endlessly.

"Irina, maybe it's time you forgive him," your brother once said, and I pretend not to hear him. Forgive. The word sounds so distant to me, and yet, a small part of me is begging for the beautiful expression to embrace this lonely heart of mine, and maybe, just maybe, to really forgive.

--

Time heals all wounds, they say.

Ironically enough, they do. The crimson color hair of mine, once a bright color of blood, is slowly fading away. Maybe it has gone in a haze, seeping slowly into the air of misery around me, but when I look in the mirror, I see the person that isn't me. The red color that was once my identity, where I used to decorate with old lace, it's no longer here. It's gone. It has faded into the ether, along with you.

--

"I miss you," I say to the tree that used to be a witness of who we once were. I don't know what made me say that, what made the hostility gripping me plummet like icicles, but today I am not the same person hating every memory of you. Today, I miss you.

I look up at the sky. Summer is almost over, and tomorrow is going to be a new day. But will I be a new person? Or will the old me will finally emerge from this forlorn shadow that has been hiding it?

"He misses you too, you know."

And then it happened. As I turn around to cast the voice it belonged to a deathly stare that I was once notorious for, the darkness shell enclosing me this whole summer began to break little by little. He looks so similar to you, Adam. Danny looks so much like you.

And I run towards him.

I began punching him at first. I was mad, can't you understand? You promised to love me, you promised never to leave me, but you have gone to a place where I cannot follow, and I was furious. I throw him a punch, I slap his face, imagining it was your face, and Danny just stood there, taking in every beating my limbs could think of.

Then I grab him. I grab his shoulders, and that was when the tears my mind has been yearning for cascade like the rain from the torn sky. And it wouldn't stop. I put my hands around his shoulders, around Danny's shoulders and we both started to cry, our weeping breaking the silence enveloping the serene atmosphere. We stood there for the longest time, just holding each other, crying to each other.

"Why did he do it, Danny? Why?" I scream. My heart is aching to know why you killed yourself, why have you left me, when you have already tattooed the words in my heart, 'I'll stay with you for all eternity'. I laughed at how cheesy it was when you uttered those words to me, but now, it's all that is left of you.

"I don't know, Irina. I don't know," his voice dripping with confusion, with misery, with sadness.

And we stood there clinging to each other, never finding out why you did it.

--

It is raining. The heavenly water cascading from the tattered sky as I stand in the middle of the green field, drowning my broken heart, washing away the venom in me. Dark clouds are slowly emerging giving atmosphere to a beautiful day, this beautiful disaster.

I could feel a smile forming on my face, as I sit down watching the last day of summer. It may be a little too late for a smile, or a laugh that was supposed to decorate my summer.

It's all right though, because this place will no longer be my prison where I sit everyday mourning for you, longing for your sweet touch. I'm alive, that's what matters, and soon, I will be free.

j'ai fini

Lately

1. Alternating in between Hellboy & Batman with ObGyn text book. Okay, I might've inserted a little white lie there...I won't say which one is true. (But its obvious, isn't it?) I've also finished reading Maus by Art Spiegelmen for the third time last weekend. Damn. If I pay as much attention on medical books as I do on comics & books...my future might look a little brighter.

2. Attempted to sketch a random woman again...although I always leave my illustration unfinished.

3. I wanted to write something personal about myself in this entry, but I couldn't think of one. I guess I'm not interesting enough, not even to myself. (So what else is new?)

1. My sister's Batman The Dark Knight Returns comic 2. Snapshot from Hellboy: Seed of Destruction
3. Random sketch from my sketchbook.

Opus 26

I long to be on the pier overlooking Lower Manhattan right at this moment. Once I had a dream similar to this. It was beautiful. When my eyes opened to the morning light, I blinked several times. Then I realized I was blinking at reality, nowhere could my life be as glorious as in my dreams. When I sat up in my bed, I was filled with this kind of yearn -- a kind of longing I would rather keep to myself. This secret, it comes haunting me every now and then. Sometimes subconsciously when I'm sleeping, but most of the time voluntarily when I'm daydreaming.

Photo by lintuimmortal

I'd do it all again

I actually miss what I used to write on this blog. But the thing is, it was too personal. I was letting random people from all around the world (the united states, russia, pakistan??) read some very private stuff about me. Really, really private actually. I remember there was this sort of 'an unopened letter to the world' thing going on for awhile, except that it wasn't written to the world. It was written for someone who I thought I was in "love" with, but turns out I wasn't actually. It was kind of pathetic, really. Anyways, moving on.

I'm currently on my two weeks winter break. I might start writing again, as to fill in the gaps of how to spend my holidays...we'll see.